Sailor KID
by Blind writer
Summary: Written for DC Kinkmeme.  Hakuba is very serious about his work, especially when it comes to trying to understand Kid.  Who knew it meant learning how to throw roses?  And - are those pink sparkles?  Gen, crack!badfic.
1. Of Masks and Flowers

_A/N: Written for this year's DC Kink Meme, which I must advertise, because it could ALWAYS use more writer anons. Located here - dc-yaoi[dot]livejournal[dot]com/100349[dot]html_

_Total crackfest. Genfic, anon requested Hakuba cosplaying as Tuxedo Mask of Sailor Moon fame. *grin*_

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><p>The wind billowed, and the familiar sound of cloth ripping around in the air was more incongruous than normal. Namely, because it was in stereo sound. Kid stared intently, one finger propped at his chin. Saguru wasn't as good at hiding his reactions, so a small sliver of sweat could be seen trickling down the side of his face. It was now or never, a battle of good versus evil. He had to take out an insane man with insanity. Made perfect sense.<p>

"I must admit, Tantei-san, I am a bit stumped." The finger on his chin tapped in punctuation.

Saguru grinned. A minor victory. "Foul creature! You are the evil that will fall tonight, Kaitou Kid!" He brandished a rose in his hand, holding it at ready. He'd practiced, but the flimsy nature of flowers just would not do what they were supposed to. He figured if he threatened, that would be good enough. Besides, he had a cane in his other hand. That would work just as well.

Kid looked completely unmoved. Another tap at his chin. "You've got the stiff, stick-up-the-ass, self-righteous attitude down pat. I'm impressed; you could make a pretty convincing stand-in. But something is missing." He titled his head, completely ignoring Saguru's taunting.

No, he couldn't frown now. The great Tuxedo Kamen did not frown. This experiment was proving useful, at least. It was giving him more insight into Kid's mind than he was expecting. Pulling him off guard was just a perk. He hadn't practiced all those humiliating hours in front of the mirror for nothing. "Stand down, Kid. Tonight you will be cleansed of your sins, and brought to justice!"

Kid smacked a fist into his other palm. "I got it!" He reached up, grin wide and cutting in the darkness. It couldn't mean anything good. His hand reached up and he snapped his fingers. Smoke suddenly blinded Saguru, and he flailed, tossing the rose in his hand towards Kid as best he could. It fell about two feet from Saguru's shoes, not even making a noise loud enough to be heard. Hopping backwards, he raised the cane up, rapidly blinking and trying to regain his vision. He was rather glad for the mask at that point, since it seemed to protect his eyes somewhat. Surprisingly, Kid was still standing where he was earlier.

A light clap, and that grin widened. "There we go. Lavender hair for the wannabe prince." Saguru flinched, one hand reaching up to his head. Wait, Tuxedo Kamen did not lose his cool like that. He tightened his grip on the cane, trying to fall back into his practiced pose.

Well, it was now or never. Saguru charged forward, taking long gazelle leaps, knee raised. It was harder than he was expecting. Maybe it didn't help a person run faster after all. Kid flipped backwards, grin wide on his face, and balancing on the edge of the roof.

"Sorry, Tantei-san, but I'm afraid that is enough for tonight." He swished, smoke obscuring him for a moment, before re-emerging in the shortest skirt he'd even seen. A blush crawled up his cheeks, because he could _clearly_ see Kid was a male from his low angle. With how good of a disguise artist Kid was, that was probably on purpose. He raised one knee up in a coy pose, hand raised up to his forehead in that signature posture, smirk stretching from ear to ear. "This Moonlight Senshi has to go save the world, and everything. Otherwise," and his voice fell low and suggestive. "In the name of the moon, I'll have to punish you." With a mock salute, he leaned back, and fell over the edge.

Saguru rushed forward, leaning forward with a growl. He could see the shrinking silhouette of Kid's glider as he flew away. Sighing, he flipped the hair from his eyes. Okay, so Tuxedo Kamen was not as effective as he thought it would be. Not a problem, he could just try someone else. Endymion, maybe? Kid had been affected this time, just not enough. He turned on his heel, making his way back to the roof entrance, and already plotting his next plan. Yes, maybe Endymion would be better. He ignored the incredulous stares as he made his way down the stairs. As if they could _possibly_ understand Kid's insanity.


	2. Family Jewels

_A/N: Written for this year's DC Kink Meme, which I must advertise, because it could ALWAYS use more writer anons. Located here - dc-yaoi[dot]livejournal[dot]com/100349[dot]html_

_Uh, really? IDEK. Crack!badfic. Continuation of more of the same. Crack. Crack. More crack. Oh, and OOC. Because, well, crack._

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><p>Saguru stared. The rest of the Task Force was also staring, and he imagined probably the rest of the world as well. Kid was normally theatrical and flamboyant, but this - this was a whole new level.<p>

Spotlights. From behind, they lit him up with a great white aura, but it was what he was wearing that made the entire scene questionable.

It was an admirably crafted dress. Stiff, coiled puff-sleeves set low on his shoulders drew Saguru's attention - _thin collarbone, cultured, with a grace that defied his temperament_ - and lace trim with gold pearls sat across his breast. Unnaturally soft and pale hair cascaded behind him. The waves of white fabric billowing down and around him glowed, ethereal almost in quality. It was sheer. And every curve, every jut of bone, every bit of _clearly male naked underneathness_ was on a shadow, silhouette display. That couldn't be real, right? _Right_? Why- Nono, he didn't even want to begin to contemplate the reasoning behind Kid's actions.

So instead, all Saguru could think at that juncture in time was - Princess Serenity had a penis.

"TURN OFF THOSE DAMN SPOTLIGHTS!" he vaguely heard Nakamori-keibu yell. He sounded more shrill and strained than usual, which was a bit amazing in its own way. It snapped Saguru from his horrified trance, and with a quivering hand on the hilt of his sword (plastic, but no one needed to know that), he clenched his jaw, and set one foot forward. The lights snapped off as he did so.

He swallowed his pride, and projected his voice forward, hand raised. "I beseech you, Princess Kid. Return the jewel and come with me."

The smile Kid turned on him was unnervingly muted. A hand lifted up, holding the prize he had stolen that evening to the moon. "Would you condemn our future, my dear Prince Tantei-san?"

Kid's voice lilted and rang out clear as a bell, high and a perfect representation of Serenity. He could feel his cheek twitching. "Our future is what we _make of it_, Kait-Princess Kid. Just think of the sacrifices your mother made for peace. To resort to stealing some jewel, it cannot possibly be what she wished for you."

He caught a gleam of an eye, and Kid was looking straight at him, with the oddest expression. His arms lowered, cradling the gem to his chest. "A family jewel is all I have left of her." And then he threw an arm out in an emphatic bid for understanding. "The Negaverse must be stopped! Have you been corrupted, as well? Do I need to purify you?"

"N-no," he stammered, momentarily terrified of what "purification" would entail. He had to get back on track. Think Endymion, Prince of Earth, love of Princess Kid's life. Lives. He was going to have an aneurism. "I am still wholly devoted to justice. … And love!"

"Love and justice." Kid was correcting him, and his eyebrow twitched.

"Love and justice!"

Another dramatic wave of his arm, and Kid was holding a dainty hand out to him, palm to the air, gold pearls dangling loosely from his wrist. "Then you remember our promise, made all that time ago. I will save this world, and punish evil in the name of the moon."

"Please, Princess, it is too dangerous!"

And that prompted an oddly fond smile. "I swear to you, no one shall get hurt. I will save everyone, no matter what it takes."

And then Nakamori-keibu came barreling forward, a huge mass of men in bulky blue and black flinging themselves at Serenit- no, Kid! "Princess!" Saguru reached his arm out, to keep her- no, _him_ from falling. But too late, Kid had already tipped off the edge, pearls and hair and sheer fabric billowing out of sight.

It wasn't for another several seconds Saguru realized how idiotic he must look, one arm stretched out to catch the Kaitou Kid like he was some fragile young lady who needed protection. His neck burned from the stares he knew he must be getting. Grabbing the edge of his cape, he twirled, swishing it around him and stalked to the stairs.

Drastic times called for drastic measures. If Serenity needed her jewel, then Saguru just had to take both the role _and_ the gem away from Kid. At least he had the blond hair for it.


	3. Pink Destiny

_A/N: Sama made me realize that I had forgotten to upload this "final" chapter. God, someone kill me now. It burns, it buuuurns. By the way. I feel I must share, since it is a perfect depiction of this sad, sad crack!drama._

_Link = i4 . photobucket albums / y114 / kunika / sailor-kid . jpg_

_Also, to my watchers. I SWEAR I'm still working on realfic. It's just… slow coming. But all you KidCon fans will like it, I promise._

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><p>He had to wait a while before attending the next heist. Family obligations called him back to England, though he managed to keep tabs on Kaitou Kid's movements through the news. A few well-placed inquiries to his father earned him a number of updates, as well, though he seemed somewhat hesitant to share for some reason.<p>

"Saguru, I feel you may be becoming too invested," he had said. "Focus on your cases in London," he said. "Talk with your mother," he said.

His mother had little to offer other than, "Your father is merely concerned", to which he assured her that he would do whatever it took to capture the Kid. Oddly, that did not seem to make her feel better.

Saguru failed to see the problem. Kaitou Kid was his stellar case, the one which kept calling him back time and time again. He would not allow that flamboyant thief to sully his pride as a detective. To acquiesce - that was akin to giving up. An insult! So, he had politely reiterated his focus and goals to his parents, and compromised with a short, obligatory vacation to England.

It did have its perks, however. He was able to acquire a fine, well-tailored fuku from a popular fashion depot vaguely named "V Store". Even if it did earn him a good collection of embarrassing and dubious looks from the employees, he was content in knowing that his new clothes would fit him correctly. Finding such a thing in Japan would have been much more difficult for someone as tall as he.

They were even able to provide some helpful tips on things to say and how to pose in heels. After the initial impression, the main tailor was very kind, even going so far as to schedule extra fitting sessions and offer his cell phone number should he have any other questions. Saguru asked why he could not just call the store's helpline, but he was told it was "extra service". He was unfamiliar with what that was, but left the topic alone because he would be returning to Japan soon anyway.

As luck would have it, within a week of his return, his chance came to confront Kid again.

"Halt!" Despite his practice, it was still borderline hell trying to run in heels, so he had waited on the roof to ambush Kid as soon as he appeared.

He was quite satisfied to see surprised eyes turn his way. Kid likely had no idea he was even in attendance to this particular heist. "Oya, Tantei-san!" The theory was reinforced by the fact Kid was no longer in the princess dress he had last seen. He tapped his way closer to the patch of roof Saguru was guarding. Something about the smirk he wore was more insulting than usual. "Moonlighting, I see. Here to switch roles?"

He clenched his jaw, and struck the pose the store clerk had so kindly taught him. Now that he thought about it, wasn't he supposed to have a leotard on, not a midriff? "The jewel is not yours for the taking."

A sudden slamming noise, and the roof door flew open. "Kid!" Both Saguru and Kid turned to look at the small, gasping figure of one Edogawa-kun. Saguru blinked. Ah, this child had a formidable reputation against Kaitou Kid as well. What was it he was nicknamed again? Kid Killer?

No matter. The important thing was the incongruous pink _thing_ on his head. Saguru blinked again. "Edogawa-kun, are those bunny ears?"

He flushed, twitching a bit. "It's hair! And pink. Bunny hair, or something." He was scowling with the darkest expression he had ever seen on Edogawa's face. A small thud, and he trapped something that looked suspiciously like a soccer ball under his foot. Only it was painted all black, and seemed to have a face scribbled onto it. It was difficult to tell from his angle. One arm rose, and Edogawa pointed defiantly at Kid. "The gem is mine, give it back!"

"I'm afraid this one won't return you to a different _time_." What a strange way of phrasing things. Saguru furrowed his brow in confusion.

If possible, that expression got even darker and the hairs on the end of Saguru's neck stood on end. He barely looked like a child anymore, his words hissing out like a feral growl. "_Kid_, I'm warning you."

He heard the muffled snicker, and immediately turned his attention back to Kid, who had somehow managed to switch his appearance to that of a strange, white variation of Tuxedo Kamen, complete with white hair. Something akin to indignation bubbled up in Saguru's chest. He felt like some important chunk of the puzzle was missing. "Chibi-kun, haven't your _parents_ taught you how to properly ask for a thing?"

"You are the last person I want advice from," he snapped. And now Saguru understood. It seemed like Edogawa was as sharp and intelligent as Saguru suspected, rising up to Kid's level of insanity in a valiant effort to capture him. He would be an amazing detective when he grew older. His methods were still mildly lacking, however. Was that supposed to be P-chan? And those ears… It was the worse costume he had ever seen. Poor Edogawa looked more like an impromptu Easter bunny than Chibiusa.

… Wait. Parents? Switch roles?

He turned a pale face back to Kid. "I am not Edogawa-kun's mother!" He could hear an undignified squeak coming from the door's direction, and Kid's eyes twinkled dangerously. Honestly, he could not tell if Kid was mocking him, or was just plainly amused.

"Tell me, Sailor Tantei-san, what do you know about destiny? Do you have someone important to protect? Why do you fight? What do you stand for?"

"I…" Saguru was mildly taken aback, and took one faltering step backwards as a result, blinking. With no other recourse, he blurted out what that kindly store clerk told him to. "V is for Victory! I fight for love and justice!"

Kid raised his chin, and flashed out a playing card. He could make out the crimson curve of a heart, and identified it as the ace of hearts. He raised it to his lips and smirked. "And as a senshi, what is your duty?"

Red suffused his features, and Saguru stumbled over his words. "It is my duty to protect my princess." Wait. Something about that sounded wrong.

Kid's attention flittered over to Edogawa-kun. "And you? Surely my favorite critic has some opinion on this."

"There is only one destiny." He seemed to approve of that, because the next thing Saguru knew, Kid was grinning widely. Again, Saguru felt like there was a large puzzle piece missing, and he just could not grasp it. It felt significant.

"Chibi-kun plays _well_," he murmured quietly, low enough that he was certain Edogawa could not hear. Kid turned back to Saguru and gave a deep bow, whisking the card back into the hidden folds of his clothes. "I have greatly enjoyed your company. Until we meet again under the moonlight, I bid you both farewell."

It wasn't long after that when Kid had vanished. Saguru pinned his attention on Edogawa, who was still scowling at Kid's retreating figure. "Edogawa-kun, if I may inquire?" That got his attention, and he blinked up at him, his features schooled into a much more familiar and childish expression than the one from earlier. He felt himself relax. "What did you mean by destiny?"

He blinked, then the corner of his mouth crooked into the slightest of grins. "Ace. Ace of Hearts." Saguru was baffled. There was _definitely_ some vital clue he was missing. Edogawa turned his gaze back out over to the skyline. "He is a kaitou through and through." His voice dropped. "I wonder about his motives, though." And on that note, he turned and left.

Saguru stayed on that rooftop for another several minutes, contemplating the odd exchange. Edogawa was a strange, strange child. While he lacked the correct presence, judging by that terrible set of bunny ears, he certainly made up for it with incredible insight. It was inspiring, and it seemed Kid was aware of it, too.

Setting his jaw, Saguru made a new vow to himself. He would not allow anyone else to bring Kid down. He had his duty as a senshi to uphold. Love and justice. He would see things through.

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><p><em>AN: Ohohoho, I snuck in a Kaitou Ace reference! Though I suspect it will pass over everyone's head, unless you've read Sailor V. *fail?* Sigh._

_Anyway, let us all revel in Conan/Shin'ichi's terrible fashion sense! Pink, folks, __**pink**__! … It's canon?_


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